Tired and stressed

I have been doing extra shifts at the charity shop and I find that I cannot do this the way I used to. I am working on my own behind the till most of the time and the deputy manager, who is in charge while the manager takes time off because of her husband's illness, is not good at dealing with people. She is constantly criticising and complaining. At the end of the shift there will be fulsome thanks, which in no way reduces the irritation of the obstacle course which she sets for the volunteers. I have been thinking quite seriously of giving up volunteering, but until the manager's situation is clearer I do not feel I can do this. It is only a few weeks to Christmas, when we are going away, so I shall grin and bear it. 

We had friends to dinner last Saturday. It was the second time we had entertained in our new dining room. It was a pleasant occasion. We drank the last bottle of my birthday champagne and ate fish, chicken, lemon posset with fruit and cheese. The others drank other wine with the meal, but I did not risk it. Only fizzy wine seems to agree with me nowadays. I gave the couple some little gloves for their grandchildren. 

We are hoping to go to Shanklin before Christmas. I have the same little gloves for two of my friend's grandchildren and would like to have them by Christmas. I shall never, ever have grandchildren of my own and so I like to give to Anne's. She has five children and eight grandchildren. Often really good toys and clothes come into the charity shop and I buy these; I get a good discount.  If my son ever settles down and has children I know that he will never let us see them. My heart aches for him. He must be so lonely and unhappy. I have unblocked him on Facebook again, but there is no activity. I suspect that he calls my mobile phone from time to time; there are anonymous calls that are in the block log. Next January it will be six years since he chose to fall out with me. I never, ever thought that it was a serious rift. Now I know different.

We are going out on Saturday night. I do not like going out at nights nowadays. It is not far; just to Lavant Street. The friends who came to us last week will be there and the husband of the other couple we socialise with. His wife has gone with a friend on a bridge weekend. The numbers will be made up to six by their next-door neighbour, the widow of a man who worked at IBM at the same time as Dan. She is pleasant and good company.  I shall not drink much alcohol. 

We are walking tomorrow. The next two Fridays we shall not; Dan has a hospital appointment on December 1st and is meeting and lunching with the personnel of the local Citizens' Advice Bureau on the 8th. He has been project managing the move from a building near the Festival Hall to the library. On Tuesday it is the monthly Probus meeting. Four weeks from today we leave for Vence. I am worrying, of course. The M25 may be closed or choked with traffic. It may snow and the airport may be closed. We may have an accident; the flight may be late or cancelled. I hope not. I enjoyed our Christmas last year. I would like it to be as pleasant again. 

 

Thoughts of Christmas

I have not blogged recently. I have done a few extra shifts in the charity shop. Fortunately Mondays have been shared with the person I like working with; Ethel, who has become a friend. We laugh together at some of the things that customers say and at the behaviour of some of our fellow volunteers. We have named one person Brown Nose and another Herr Flick. The shop  manager is in a difficult situation at present. Her husband has been diagnosed with cancer. The tumour is pressing against a lung and originated in the bones. He is going to take what she calls the shrinkage drug. 

Last Wednesday I did not work  because my old friends came up from the Isle of Wight. Owing to various operations (theirs and mine) and family issues, this is the first time we have seen them this year. They are the first people to be entertained in our dining room.Dan outdid himself with the meal and I opened a bottle of my birthday champagne for Anne and me to share. I seldom drink so much; we followed the champagne with a bottle of Prosecco. She brought me a belated birthday present; a beautiful lead crystal jug. Dan received a jug too, but his is silver. I was able to give her some toys for her grandchildren and a Portmeirion quiche dish for her kitchen. Like me, she likes Portmeirion goods.  

We have decided to spend Christmas in our flat in Vence again. Flights are booked already. The old-established airline Monarch went out of business a few weeks ago and we wanted to be sure of getting a choice of flights. I am looking forward to it and hope that we are as lucky with the weather as we were last year.  It will give us a chance to enjoy our new kitchen. We have to get a door and a plinth from Ixina in Vallauris to complete the job. 

Last Thursday we went to the Yvonne Arnaud theatre in Guildford. We took friends with us to see The Wipers Times. It was excellent. We don't go to the theatre at Christmas now. We always took Katy on Boxing Day or soon after Christmas because she loved live performances.  Dan used to get cheap tickets for Monday evenings at the Kings Theatre in Southsea; we took both children to see Bonnie Langford as Peter Pan. I remember Katy leaning forward as the curtain went up, eager not to miss any of the play. I miss her. I always shall. 

Dan has been too busy to go on the Alice Holt Forest walk. Today he was at the Citizens' Advice Bureau in Petersfield, helping to manage the project of moving the bureau to the library. Next Tuesday it is the Probus lunch and the talk is about the Severn Railway Bridge disaster of 1960. One more monthly lunch and then it will be the Christmas dinner. 

Today I was on the Southampton Heritage Photos page on Facebook. I saw a comment from someone whose maiden name I recognised. We were at junior school together. I hope to chat with her on the Internet. She was not a particular friend but I remember her as a pleasant person. I wonder if she has kept in touch with anyone from that school.  I have not; I moved away from the Southampton area in 1975 and shall never go back. I am too happy here in Petersfield. I think it's the best place I have ever lived and I never want to move. Dan feels the same. I feel pleased that he has such a good social life now. Learning to play bridge and joining the walking group were my ideas but they have worked out well for him. He shoots clay pigeons, plays petanque and is president of his bridge club. I think he will be chairman of the Probus club next year. 

I shall blog again soon. I am still taking painkillers. I found that Boots no longer sell the caplets I prefer but Tesco pharmacy does and I got some from an online pharmacy. They help me sleep. I use heat patches for my arthritic neck and bought another woollen shawl last week. I am growing old, as we all are. 

A Precious Picture Rediscovered

When our beloved daughter died it was comforting to have pictures of her on display.  The saddest thing was that I could not find her baby book, with her new-born picture in. I asked my husband's sisters to search the house where their father lived but nothing could be found. Today my husband was sorting out some old pictures that were in a box that used to be under a chair in our bedroom. Some of these came from my late aunt's house (the wife of the man for whom I took responsibility). She had kept the copy I sent her when our baby was born. It has been scanned and is now on the little marble table with the other pictures. 

It is some time since I have updated this blog. We have been to France, where we had our kitchen renovated, returned from there and taken up our usual life. Dan has been playing petanque and bridge and I have been doing extra hours at the charity shop. Last Thursday we celebrated our 49th wedding anniversary. We decided to go out for lunch rather than dinner as Dan had the AGM of the bridge club in the evening. We lunched at the Turkish restaurant in Bakery Lane. We enjoyed our meal; the food and service were excellent. We forgot that we had theatre tickets for the week before last and have decided to put all our appointments in our Outlook calendars. 

I enjoyed the last Probus meeting. The speaker was our chair person's boss at one time. He is a very important government archivist and he was very interesting. At the end we were each given a handout, photocopies of prints of Domesday book pages and a few other things, including the table of heights and weights to calculate the drop for judicial hanging. The next meeting is not until the very end of the month. One more meeting and then it will be the Christmas lunch. 

We have visited the old man twice since our return from Vence. The first time he managed a little chocolate. On Saturday he did not seem to be responding at all. Yet still he lives on. I wonder how many people will come to his funeral when he finally dies. I have planned the funeral, although I do not think that his family will like what I have planned. I think that his niece wants hymns and prayers. There is no point in doing this; he had no religious faith when he was cogent. I want my aunt to be remembered as her funeral was such a depressing affair. My youngest brother's wife has been very ill with kidney problems, supposedly caused by medical negligence in diagnosing a skin rash. I doubt that he will attend. Perhaps my niece will come, as she was not able to get to her great-aunt's funeral because of the weather.

We walked on both Fridays and are glad to be back in the routine. We are considering joining a Tuesday morning walk at the Alice Holt Forest. Dan will still be able to play petanque in the afternoon and I shall be able to visit the nursing home. 

I shall write about our kitchen renovation in my next post. 

Tired nerves and minor injuries.

I am feeling very happy about my home now. The dining room is charming and the little table from the Vence kitchen has been restored and is in place. The two chairs, bought not long before we put our Clanfield house up for sale, are at the top end of the living room with the two little tables we bought in the Barnardo's shop in Waterlooville. They look so good since their restoration. It is so pleasant to have breakfast in the dining room.  The window is a corner one and we look out on the junction of High Street, College Street and Dragon Street.  I am looking forward to when our friends come from the Isle of Wight and we shall have lunch there.  That will probably not happen until after we come home from Vence. 

I did attempt the walk on Sunday. I knew before we had walked a mile that it was a mistake. It was planned that there would be a meeting at some friends' house and the walk would be discussed.  Dan went to this meeting and the other couple had been and gone. Had they discussed it together, I would have  known not to go on the walk.  Dan said that I was not to worry; the walk would be a "gentle" one. From the time we met up, one woman was in a foul mood and walked on ahead of us. I regret not turning back and going home. I coped reasonably well at first, but at Ramsdean I slipped on a stile and fell. There was barbed wire on the stile and my left hand and arm were cut and scratched. I sustained a bruise on the left forearm and one on the left leg. When we stopped on Winchester Hill for light refreshments, Dan remarked that we were all being left behind. The upshot was that the wife of one of the walkers came and collected three of us at Exton and we all returned to Petersfield. I had a hot bath and changed my clothes. We collected the other couple and went to the Wykeham Arms in Winchester in the early evening. 

The other couple completed their walk. They arrived when the four of us were sitting in the bar having a drink. The female half of the other couple asked that we sit outside so that she could smoke. Our table was booked for a 7.30 dinner but ultimately we did not sit down until ten past eight. It was more important that the one smoker among us sat down again after she and her husband had showered and changed and smoked another cigarette. As soon as I decently could I left them all and went to bed. 

I know that there are business problems for that couple but she is an inconsiderate person. In the past she has complained to Dan about what she sees as my rudeness and he has accepted her criticisms and passed them on to me. When the four of us are together the other three tend to talk about their business and I am not included. I can bear this; I have nothing to contribute and am happy to listen to my iPod.  This is my rudeness, it seems. I have to accept that, despite the fact that I wrote copy for their entry for an award, I was not worth a three pound bouquet of flowers from the Lidl supermarket on my birthday. They tolerate me because of their friendship with Dan.  I have decided to distance myself from it all. I shall give the person who gave me the second-hand artwork for my birthday last year a present on her birthday in November and then my involvement ends. 

On Tuesday I went to the minor injuries unit at the Petersfield Hospital and had a tetanus inoculation. This now includes diphtheria and polio. A nice young male nurse administered the injection.  He talked about childhood immunisations; I explained that I am a year older than the National Health Service and such vaccination was not routine when I was a young child. I had a polio shot when I was twelve years old, because there was an epidemic of that horrible disease. I remember that we could not do physical education at school. There were no Christmas parties; all this was delayed until the summer. 

We had an invitation to a party for the fiftieth birthday of a friend of the inconsiderate friend. I put it on the bulletin board and fully intended to accept and go to the party. Dan had a letter about a hospital appointment and pinned it over the top. I emailed the party giver and we shall send a card and flowers. I am going to ask Dan not to blame me about it. 

Planning a funeral

Well, my old uncle did not die. On Saturday we visited him and he was fairly alert and took some chocolate. He allowed the carer to give him some tea. I phoned his niece in Swansea and reported upon his improved health. Or has it improved? He is still very unwell and very frail. 

I have decided that I shall pay in advance for his funeral and plan it now. I discussed it with Patricia and she agreed. As the old man's attorney I have the legal right to do this, but courtesy costs nothing and she is his next of kin. She lost her husband in 2009, very suddenly; it was a stroke and Brien died the same day.  He would have been the very person to write and read the tribute to his uncle-in-law. I truly wonder if many people will come to the funeral. 

Last Friday two people I used to know at school came to visit. They last visited in 2003, just after we had moved into our flat. We had a very pleasant meal at the local ASK Italian restaurant. I quite enjoyed it and was glad that after all I had not put them off. We had walked in the morning but did not stay long after; just a quick cup of coffee.  

My nerves are tired. I did go to our friends' barbecue on Sunday. I was planning to stay home but my husband persuaded me. The food was, as always, delicious.  The company was pleasant, although we were left to introduce ourselves to a couple we had not met before. I drank a fair amount of Prosecco and ate cake and cream. We got a lift home. It was the charity shop on Monday and a man swore at me over the price of a pair of shoes. It seems that after I left a bowler hat was stolen.  Stealing from a charity shop somehow seems worse than stealing from any other shop. 

This Sunday a walk is planned with those same friends. It is proposed to walk from Petersfield to Winchester and stay the night at the Wykeham Arms. I do not know if I can do this. I have been suffering from chest pains and breathlessness.  My blood pressure was fine at my recent medical examination, so there cannot be much wrong. I have made an appointment with the doctor for September 4th. 

Tomorrow we shall walk in the morning. I am looking forward to that. It will be a little practice for the trek on Sunday. It is twenty-three miles to Winchester. I am going to take the iPod and listen to the latest Val McDermid novel. There will be five of us walking and I do not get included in on their conversations.  Listening to the book will make the walk more bearable. 

I must write a note to my aged aunt. We have not seen her since my father-in-law's funeral, when we collected her and took her to the church, afterwards taking her home again.  When we come back from Vence we shall collect her and take her out to lunch. 

Something good is that the little marble and cast iron table that used to be in the Vence kitchen is now in the living room. The Ikea vase that I paid £1 for in the charity shop is full of irises today.  Many silver-framed photos of our daughter are on the table, together with a candle lamp I brought back from Vence. The flat is so pleasant now. 

Old age and false alarums

I have just had the medical check-up that seventy year-olds get under the much-maligned National Health Service. My blood sugar level was a little up, my body mass index is good and my blood pressure is fine. My husband came for his check-up at the same time. His BMI is a little more than it should be, but this whole concept is probably going to be reviewed. Muscle weighs more than fat. 

Last weekend Dan went to the Adventure Film Festival from Friday morning to early Sunday evening. I went out on Saturday. I seldom go out on my own but that day I caught the bus from Petersfield Square to Waterlooville precinct and met up with a friend. We lunched and then went to look round the charity shops. I got a very nice Ikea vase for £1. Waterlooville looks very sad nowadays. So many of the shops in the town centre are empty. We reminisced about how it was when we first knew each other, forty-three years ago. We first met in Kingston, New York, where our husbands had been sent on assignment by IBM. I think that we would have become friends no matter how we met. A little more than a year after she and her husband returned to the UK they separated. She nearly remarried twice but is still single and I think wants to remain that way. I went on to have another child and eventually to lose both of my children in different ways. 

On Sunday I should have visited my uncle but did not. I simply could not face it. On Monday evening I had a phone call from Lijo, the manager of the nursing home where he lives. She told me that he was ill and that the doctor had been sent for. There was talk about the old man being taken to hospital. Later the doctor phoned me and confirmed that I had signed a Do Not Resuscitate form. He said that old Bill has pneumonia and there was nothing to be gained by removing him to hospital or administering antibiotics. The nurses had diamorphine to give him if he was in any pain or distress. I telephoned Patricia, Bill's niece and next-of-kin in Swansea. She asked me to let her know as soon as Bill's death happened. Yesterday we visited him and he was awake but not lucid. Today I did my shift in the charity shop and Alex, one of the carers, came in with his wife. They do a lot of shopping in Sue Ryder. He told me that Bill had eaten a good lunch and was getting better. I do not know what to do; should I phone Patricia and let her know this, or just leave things. 

On Friday September 8th we are leaving for Vence. The installation of our kitchen begins the following Monday. I was worrying about how Bill's funeral could be fitted in before we leave; now it seems there will be no funeral. He is not going to die after all. It has been a constant source of anxiety, that he would die while we are abroad. I have planned the music for his funeral but would need Patricia's help for the tribute, which I would get the minister (or celebrant, as they call such non-denominational people nowadays). I have nominated a funeral director; the firm that conducted our daughter's funeral. I have let my youngest brother know about the old man's illness. He is my back up attorney and would manage Bill's affairs in the event of my death or incapacity. He has never visited our uncle-in-law. I resent this as Bill enjoyed masculine company when he was cogent. My aunt was very good to him and it was always understood that he would be her executor.  Why she changed her will is another story. 

Cry on your birthday, cry all year around

It is a while since I wrote in this blog. We have been away in France and the time leading up to that was busy; working in the charity shop, getting clothes and other things ready, packing them and all the other things relating to going on holiday.  We left circa 5 am on Friday, June 23rd and returned circa 9.25 pm on Saturday, July 8th. We left Petersfield in damp, cold windy weather (it had been very hot up until the Friday) and arrived in Vence in thick mist. We had a little rain, a very great deal of hot sun and some winds that aggravated the spondylosis in the cervix of my spine. We saw the upstairs neighbour twice, but not her husband. They had visitors coming from England and we did not get together. If they are there at Christmas we must invite them to lunch. 

I cannot say that I enjoyed my birthday. Dan went to the gun club. I felt so depressed; I cried for my children and for the future without them. We still have each other and that is good, but I am still living with guilt and regret. I still love my son and I always shall, but he is gone and I must accept it.  We went to the local Italian restaurant and I had a pizza and a pudding and two glasses of Prosecco. Not the celebration that we had on June 10th, but then I did not want that. 

I am cleaning out the bathroom cupboards; some eyewash lotion and cough mixture has sell-by dates of 2010. I remember how this distressed me when I cleared out my late aunt's house. I do not want to leave such a mess for my niece when she clears out our flat when we die, or when we go into residential care. We visited the old man on Sunday and he slept through our visit. We took biscuits for the carers as usual and a bottle of wine for Sandra. She told us that Bill had been alert during the morning and asked for music. Perhaps I shall change my visiting time to morning.  I am going to bring away his quite valuable pictures and replace them with others; I do not want any harm to come to them. I have complained about the paint job done in his room. I did this on the customer satisfaction survey that was sent to me recently. I gave the receptionist a low score; this probably means that she will be pleasant for a few visits and then revert to her usual off-hand, sour-faced self. 

I enjoyed my shift at the charity shop yesterday. Ethel was there and also Gordon, who is not as like Adolf Eichmann as I feared he would be. Donna, the assistant (or deputy, to use the latest term) is a very pleasant person . I shall volunteer for a while longer. 

We are giving away the furniture from our second bedroom, which will soon be what it was intended to be when these flats were built; the dining room. The friends who took Katy's bed and pine chest for their granddaughter are going to ask their two daughters if either can use any or all of it.  I want to start shopping for a merchant chest and little teak table. The table is for the end of the living room where the dining furniture now is and the merchant chest is for the dining room. We brought back the little marble table from the kitchen in Vence to put where the sideboard now is.  On it will be the pictures of our good, sweet daughter, together with a candle lamp and a vase for flowers. I am also considering getting a good container for her ashes and having that on the table, too. We shall see.

Residents' Association AGM

I have escaped from the Annual General Meeting for a while. I seldom take much part, although my husband is the chairman.  The people who have come are all very pleasant, including the young woman who has bought the flat next door. There used to be some very disagreeable people in the block but most of these have now gone. There has been a lot of change in the fourteen years since we moved here. There are only two people who were here when we came; a nice young postman who is also a writer and a large person who is in the travel business and spends a lot of time abroad. The main topic of conversation will probably be the ever-contentious issue of the car park.

I worked my shift in the charity shop today and quite enjoyed it. It was quite busy and we sold a lot of summer clothes. We have a lot of regular customers who make the shop their first port of call for many things. I shall go on volunteering for a while. I wonder each week if it will be weeks, months or years that I have to continue going to Steep House.  He is less and less responsive each time.  Yesterday he ate a very little chocolate but said only a few words. I got a lift to the end of the drive from an old woman who visits the oldest resident: her father, who is one hundred and six years old. He is suffering from dementia now but she only had to put him into residential care two years ago.

The weather is hot at present. I am finding it a little difficult to cope with but it is good to see the sun. Soon we shall be off to Vence where it is even hotter. In fact, it is officially a heat wave now. "C'est la canicule!". I  must pack my best tankini and do a little swimming. That is good exercise. I learned to swim when I was sixty-one and should do more of it. The beastly government stopped free swimming for over-sixties. How they hate the old, disabled, poor and disadvantaged. Theresa May deserved her humiliation over the general election.

My fiction iPod is in the big Bose dock in the living room. I am listening to Simon Callow's autobiography on the non-fiction iPod. I have a little Bluetooth speaker that I must remember to take to Vence with me.

On Friday we shall walk and I want to have an inexpensive lunch at ASK on the High Street. Two courses for £9.95; a starter and main or a main and pudding. It's not available on Sunday as it's Father's Day. We no longer have any children. I got my hair cut and styled yesterday and quite forgot that I had previously told the stylist that I had a daughter who died  but not that I once had a son. I still wonder if he is lonely at Christmas. I feel sad that I can no longer give him birthday presents and a card each year. It is over; I have to get used to that.

I might have a shower before bed. I have opened all the bedroom windows but it is still very warm and muggy. I just hope that the visitors do not stay too late. One or two of them tend to linger on. One neighbour has to go back to work and I hope she will give the lead to the others. How ungracious I sound.

Acceptance

I am wearing my new glasses and trying to get used to them. If I cannot manage them by the time we come back from Vence I shall contact my optometrist again and see what else can be done. We shall see.

I quite enjoyed the birthday dinner on Saturday night, although I could not eat some of the food.  It was all very nice but my appetite is shrinking.  My presents are bottles of champagne and Prosecco; I do not know when I shall drink them but I may take the bottle of Taittinger to Shanklin at Christmas if we spend the time with our friends. It is kind of them; Dan always reminds me that it is the thought that counts.

This afternoon I received another cruel and spiteful message from my son. He has finally seen the messages I sent him some months ago, not long after his sister died. I shall not let him know that his grandfather is dead. I have blocked him on Facebook and shall never unblock him. When we were at the Old Radnor Barn I told the proprietress that we had no children; our daughter had died last year. This is what I shall tell strangers in future. I desperately hoped that one day we would be reconciled but must now accept that this will never happen. He is gone. I miss Katy desperately still.

I worked at the charity shop this morning and shall do so again on Wednesday. I am having my hair cut tomorrow and shall go to the nursing home. I shall take a bottle of the Waitrose Prosecco, of which we have several bottles, to give to Sandra as a raffle prize for the summer fete. We shall be back in time for that. We used to take Katy to the fete when Bill was still fit enough to sit outside and have cups of tea and cake. Before she was ill in 2014 she used to visit the old man once a month. She would come up from Havant by train, have lunch at an eatery in the town and then walk up to the nursing home. She really was a truly good person.

Dan is playing bridge tonight and has to be up early tomorrow to take our friends to the airport. I wonder if he will be back in time to play petanque. I shall go to bed early. I am trying to take fewer strong painkillers. I have needed them recently because the eyestrain has affected my neck muscles and this has aggravated the spondylosis in the cervical vertebrae. I am taking paracetamol and ibuprofen. I don't think that the latter is agreeing with me too well.

The Laying Away of the Dead

We have just visited my aged uncle in the nursing home. At first he was completely unresponsive but did finally say that he would like chocolate and a cup of tea. He ate a very little chocolate. We stayed a little longer than usual in the hope that he would wake up and drink some tea and eat more chocolate.  I wonder if he will ever do that again; it seems so sad that he just lives on and has so little pleasure in life. I did not manage a word with Sandra but when I do I shall ask if she can still talk to him.

On Thursday it was my father-in-law's funeral. Although he was Irish and a cradle Catholic, the service was held in the Anglican church where he worshipped with his second wife. We collected my old aunt, who knew Elizabeth and her first husband. She came to Elizabeth's church service. She used to talk to Paddy and Elizabeth in church most Sundays. Aunt Ruby is ninety-one and getting frail after a fall when a bus started jerkily and sent her sprawling. We took her back to her home after the service. Anne, Dan's cousin Philip's wife came for Oxford for the church service and the committal at the crematorium.

It was a good service; the vicar delivered a touching eulogy. One of Paddy's granddaughters who is a musician played You'll Never Walk Alone and the Londonderry Air on the piano. Her mother, who was married to the second eldest son, read a poem by Robert Service. Her second husband was not there; perhaps he did not think it appropriate.  I wonder if the hymn Hail, Glorious Saint Patrick was ever sung in an Anglican church before. The wake was pleasant, although we did not stay long.  Some of the family spoke to me, some did not. I shall never have to see them again; the family entity is broken now that both parents are dead; we were never included in family occasions because of the petty, spiteful grudges borne by my late mother-in-law, her favourite son and his wife.

I am so, so glad that my Aunt Marjorie persuaded Paddy to join the over-sixties club. He met Elizabeth there and that was a wonderful thing. I have happy memories of Christmases at our house in Clanfield and here in Petersfield. They would go to the morning service at the local church and after our Christmas dinner I would light the fire in the living room and we would watch television and snooze. Katy loved having her grandparents to stay at Christmas. She used to tell darling Elizabeth that she loved her like a real grandma. Neil was fond of her too. He does not yet know that his grandfather is dead.

I must shower and put on fresh clothes soon. I wonder when the phone will ring and it will be someone at Steep House to tell me that old Bill is dead.

I saw the optometrist today and took a pair of old glasses with me; at least, I have had them for a few years but have never been able to wear them. He gave me a very low prescription which I hope will help my poor  brain cope with the new clarity of vision; Andrew M told me that I now have a perfect camera. He has not yet heard from Optegra about the second vitrectomy because the surgeon's secretaries have been ill and on holiday. We shall see.

Tonight we are going out with our friends to a local restaurant to celebrate our birthdays. Dan will be seventy tomorrow and I shall attain that age the following Sunday. I bought Dan three polo shirts in Crew Clothing for his present; I am having extra audible.co.uk credits. Next Saturday Dan and I will have been together for fifty years. He came to my twentieth birthday party, walking back into my life with a bus ticket in his mouth and a crate of brown ale in his hands. We have been together ever since and will have been married forty-nine years in October.

Another June

We arrived home yesterday afternoon after a very pleasant break. We had a good journey to Hay-on-Wye last Friday and found our bed and breakfast accommodation quite easily. We are very pleased with the Old Radnor Barn and have booked a room for next year. It is very difficult to get accommodation in that area when the Hay Festival is on and I was lucky to see this one on Facebook. We met up with our friend Sabine and as our Friday night event had been cancelled we went to the Sun Inn, a pub/ restaurant that Dan and I discovered on our first visit to Hay in 2014.

We enjoyed all of the events we booked. My absolute favourite was the first one we saw, Another Man's Shoes. This was delivered by the daughter of Sven Somme, a fisheries scientist who played a very active part in the Norwegian resistance in World War 2. He escaped from the Gestapo and managed a long walk (and sapling vaulting exercise) to the Swedish border. His daughter had his shoes, kept by a woman who sheltered him. He exchanged them for a pair of mountain boots.

Gary Kasparov is an excellent, energetic speaker although Stephen Fry did not ask him the questions that would have interested Dan. Fry also talked to Peter Singer, the third most eminent philosopher in the world. Perhaps we shall be vegetarians in a generation or two; I shall certainly look up charities on Effective Altruism. Michael Rosen, who was also talking about his children's books in other events, entertained us all on the subject of Emile Zola's escape from Paris with only a nightshirt wrapped in a newspaper.  I now see some of Jane Austen's characters in another light and shall explore Colm Tóibín's books. Simon Schama was as entertaining as ever and has put on a fair bit of weight. The only disappointment was the talk on the Society of Friends. The speakers included Sheila Hancock and Tracy Chevalier. It was interesting but not as good as we thought it would be.

Our bags were searched each time we entered the festival site and there were armed police in pairs and we saw three spaniels with policemen; sniffer dogs, I suppose.  We said good bye to Sabine on Sunday night and on Monday morning we set off to Pound Farm. Angela, my niece, and her husband are kindly taking some presents to my great-niece and nephew in Waltham Massachusetts. We had a pleasant stay and met Rose, the Romanian street dog who has been rescued. Cari found her in the shelter where she volunteers. Rose is about nine years old. The Miles family has had Rose spayed and her blind and infected eye removed. Her coat is glossy now and she has gained weight; she is affectionate and came on a walk with us and Dolly, Cari's Cavalier spaniel. On Tuesday Glyn took Dan for a spin in his Morgan. I think that they both greatly enjoyed  that. They are both very enthusiastic about cars. Glyn has parted with his Harley Davidson motor cycle.

On Tuesday night we went in Glyn's new Porsche to The Inn at Welland for a delicious meal. When we left they gave us presents for our forthcoming 70th birthdays. Angela reminded me that next time we go there will be a new Vizsla puppy; Angie has her name down for a bitch from a recently-born litter.

Preparing for Hay-on-Wye

The eyestrain is still a problem but I am coping. I have an appointment with my optician for Saturday June 10th. We shall see.

After the suicide bomber in Manchester security has been stepped up at the Hay Festival.  We cannot take my little pink rucksack to carry our waterproof trousers and hats and other things we may need. The weather forecast is good on the whole with only a little rain on Saturday. It will be hot for a few days, cooling down on Monday when we go to Pound Farm.

Yesterday I did my morning shift at the charity shop and then we went to Gunwharf Quays. We had a very pleasant lunch outside the Old Customs House and then went looking for wide-fit sandals. We did not find these so went to Whiteley. No luck there either, so we came home and  ordered them online. Dan went to take eggs to Sabine and to discuss our plans for meeting up at Hay. They did not know of his father's death. The funeral is set for June 8th. It will be simple, I hope. Two granddaughters who are close in age will contribute. Lucy will read a poem and Hannah will play the piano; I wonder if they mean play the organ. Neither of my children will be there, of course; our darling Katy is dead and we have not tried to find Neil to tell him of his grandfather's death. He mentioned once that he had "messaged Dad's family". I wonder if they will inform him; perhaps he was telling the truth when he wrote that, perhaps not.

I visited the nursing home on Tuesday afternoon. He had fallen asleep holding his beaker of tea. It had soaked into his shirt and a young female carer said that she would get a colleague and change it for him after I had gone. She would have done it right away but I mopped him up and waited for him to wake up. He did not, so I drank a cup of tea and went on my way. Dan had gone for his Tuesday petanque game.  I walked home via the Lidl supermarket but could not find frikadeller. One day, perhaps.

I meant to take a set of keys to Flat 18 so that the friends who live there can collect our post and put it on the dining table. I shall do that first thing in the morning. I have had my meal and want to go to bed soon. Most things are packed; just the bag that contains my skin care products has to go in my overnight bag. I am vain, I know, but Dan likes me to look smart and cared for. I have always taken care of my complexion.

We have an event to see tomorrow afternoon so must not leave later than 11 am. I have an alarm set because we usually walk on Friday mornings.  I have decided to get out one of my late aunt's rings for my great-niece. I think she will have to have the size altered, but I hope she will like it. We shall meet her new rescue dog and the six guinea pigs. We must find the pet shop in Hay and buy dog chews; we usually do this.

I am listening to an old favourite by Mary Higgins Clark. I have some new books from the Hampshire digital library to listen to. Extra books next month because it is my birthday.

Saying "Good-bye" again.

I am tired and have had no lunch, just a cup of coffee at the Southampton General Hospital. We intended to visit my father-in-law after the follow-up visit to the eye surgeon. Dan let his sister know and she told us that he had been moved to another ward. While on the M27 a call came in from her; his condition had deteriorated and he had been moved to a side ward. It was just a matter of time. Two of Dan's sisters, Jacqui who is the eldest and Teresa who is the second, were already there. He died about an hour after we got there, slipping peacefully away.   I think that this is the most merciful way; he might have hated a residential home.  I am glad, so glad that Dan had a good relationship with him since 1991, when his mother died. The wonderful Elizabeth contributed greatly to that, of course. She was a wonderful woman.

Dan has let some of his father's relatives know. Veronica, a niece whom I particularly dislike, may be too infirm to come to the funeral. Her brother Joe, a man I like and who has a particularly nice wife, is also in a rather frail state. We shall see. Their sister Maureen and brother Gerard might come, I suppose, although I doubt it in Maureen's case. She distanced herself from her family long ago. Pauline, the other sister, died of cancer many years ago. I never met her and have never met Maureen.

My son said that he had "messaged" his father's family when he learned of Elizabeth's death and his grandfather's illness. The two sisters were phoning their two other siblings and their children whilst at the hospital. Perhaps they will let Neil know. I could send a message on Facebook but he would probably not see it. I have sent a message to Dan's brother Sean's ex-wife; I sent emails but they bounced back. I did not know that she had changed her email address. Perhaps her server is down.  She spends a lot of time on Facebook so I hope she will soon see my message. There have been many kind messages from my Facebook friends; people laugh at such things but these same people were very supportive and generous when my darling Katy died.

I do not know whether to visit my aged uncle-in-law tomorrow or Wednesday. I must go before we leave for Hay-on-Wye on Friday. One of the two sisters will collect the death certificate and arrange all with the funeral director. Paddy paid in advance for his funeral; all is arranged, even the wake. I have suggested that his death is announced in the local paper. There are still people about who would like to attend the funeral as he was a popular man. Although he was a cradle Catholic, his funeral service will be at St Marks, the Anglican church he attended for so many years with Elizabeth.

Looking forward to Hay-on-Wye and Pound Farm

Last night I drank a half-bottle of rather nasty Prosecco from Morrison's supermarket. I think that I am better off without alcohol. I felt very headachy this morning but it isn't too bad now. I must try to do without Co-codamol as it is addictive. I alternate prescriptions from the doctor with over-the-counter tablets. I have been  busy today with a few chores. Dan has the gun club tomorrow and I shall do the ironing. We visited the nursing home today and I shall go again on Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon. On Monday we shall go to Whiteley for my follow-up appointment with the eye surgeon and thence to Southampton General to visit Dan's father. I shall buy him some orange chocolate. It will put a little flesh on his bones I hope.

We walked yesterday and it was very pleasant to be with the other members. Several people were not there because they had gone to see the rhododendrons at Exbury Gardens. We had coffee and biscuits as usual and then set off home. I collected my Austin Reed trousers from the dry cleaner and bought some low-calorie soup from Waitrose. We are very well-supplied with shops in this little town. There is Tesco, Marks and Spencer and Waitrose. I am a great yellow-sticker fan; I always eat ready meals on the nights when Dan goes out to bridge.

On Thursday we shall be packing to go to the literary festival at Hay-on-Wye. This will be the fourth time we have gone. We have bed and breakfast this time. Last year we had a tent and I was cold and miserable. I could not face such a thing again and it is very difficult to get bed and breakfast accommodation in Hay when the festival is on. We shall arrive on Friday afternoon and leave at lunchtime on Bank Holiday Monday. Then we shall drive to my niece's home to stay two nights. We shall meet Rose, the one-eyed Romanian rescue dog that has been adopted from the animal shelter where my great-niece volunteers. There are also six guinea pigs. Things have changed since the above photograph was taken. The dogs are Gizi,  the Hungarian Vizsla, Maddie, the boxer and Dolly, the Cavalier spaniel. Gizi and Maddie are both dead, Gizi from a heart attack at seven or eight years old, Maddie from cancer. There has been another Vizsla, a savage-tempered bitch called Hebe. She attacked Dolly once with the intention of killing her and was then segregated from the little spaniel. She was shaping up well as a gun dog but after an encounter on the Malvern hills with a boisterous Ridgeback, she became vicious and unpredictable again and it was decided that euthanasia was the only solution. I think that Angela is searching for another Vizsla; she likes to do her research. The weather forecast is good for  both Hay and Dymock but we shall take our Wellington boots all the same. We enjoy walking the dogs.

Gerontius and Theia

I am cutting down my time on the computer; just an hour or so a day now because my brain seems to have difficulty with the crystal-clear vision in my left eye that is the result of the last vitrectomy.

On Monday afternoon we went to Southampton General to visit my father-in-law. He is on the coronary care ward. He is skeletally thin and very confused. We got him to drink a mocha-flavoured Fortisips drink and some sweet tea. The staff nurse talked to us, asking about his state of mind. I asked her if, should he be placed in permanent residential care, would there be a choice or would he just be placed where there is a vacancy. She did not know. This is the province of social services. Dan's sister and her husband came and they spoke to me; sometimes the husband does not. I think that Teresa wants her father to stay at home but I do not think that such a think is possible. He is ninety-six and very frail, physically and mentally. We shall visit next Monday. The eldest of the three sisters visited earlier in the day. The youngest sister is a nurse and I am think probably that the hospital staff would be more forthcoming with her.  Teresa told us that David, their stepbrother, has lung cancer. This is so sad; I think he is younger than Dan and me. Margaret, his sister was our age. She died some years ago of liver cancer. She had lupus and suffered greatly with rheumatoid arthritis. I last saw David and his wife at Elizabeth's funeral. She was a wonderful person and gave Paddy, my father-in-law, twenty years of happiness and companionship. He met her through me, in an indirect way. My Aunt Marjorie liked Paddy and persuaded him to join the Over-Sixties club. That is how he met Elizabeth and they married a little over a year later.  I am glad that I helped bring happiness into his life.

I have to visit the nursing home; I did not feel well yesterday. I hope that my vision; well, not that exactly because my vision is fine; eye muscles adjust and the stiff neck and shoulder and headache leave me. It may be a virus. Both my friend Adele and my co-worker in the charity shop, Ethel, have had a virus that seems to cause fainting. I do get bad headaches. I am also seeing the doctor tomorrow about my ears. The eczema in the left one is making itself felt and there has been a little pain in the right one. We shall see. I hope that I have not let my husband pay thousands of pounds to exchange one problem for another. We shall see.

I have to go to buy a cake for the old man. I must not resent him. None of what has happened is his fault. I had to forgive him for the way he treated me after the egregious, God-bothering Estalls visited him at Steep House told him that I had sold his house behind his back.  They had been very kind to my aunt and uncle and done a lot for them. I suppose that it was obvious that he would believe them. I managed to keep my temper when Geoff Estall phoned me to tell me what he had done. That was a good thing because he died of a stroke about a week later. I told Bill about this and bought and wrote a card to Greta, the widow. I did not take any more phone calls from her. When she phoned on the landline or on my cell phone I refused the call.  When he finally dies I shall put a death announcement in the Southend Echo but shall not include funeral details. I doubt that she could get there or would even want to, but I would not risk it. I do not really owe her anything; I expressed my gratitude many times, gave her a bowl of bulbs and a china ornament as a memento of my aunt. Geoff Estall also kept on about a large key safe; we did not know how expensive these things were and gave it to him for his daughter, supposedly a nurse. I ascertained a while later that this woman had been killed in a motorcycle accident. So, Greta had lost two members of her family in a short time.

I am tired; the shop was not busy but the headache does not help. Time to go.

Sick father-in-law and dilemma

My father-in-law is in hospital. Dan contacted his middle sister to ask if the old man is fit enough to travel tomorrow and she told him that he has been admitted to Southampton General with breathing problems. The hospital will run many tests; it seems his chest is "crackling". That sounds like pneumonia to me.  I shall suggest that we visit him on Monday afternoon.

I know how desperately he misses Elizabeth, his second wife and my daughter's much-loved step-grandma. They were married for twenty years and together for twenty-one. She gave him happiness and companionship and those things are so important. It was because of that marriage that Dan developed a good relationship with his father.

I have chosen the above picture because my father-in-law's name is Patrick, he is Irish and a cradle Catholic. Elizabeth was a pillar of the Church of England. I think that at one time she considered converting to Catholicism but that did not happen. My late mother-in-law was a convert. Elizabeth was one of the best people I have ever known and a sincere Christian. My mother-in-law was punctilious in the observance of her religion but made me think of Martin Luther attaining heaven by sheer monkery. By the end of her life I had given up on that relationship.

My dilemma is that I do not know what to do about my son. He railed at me in a vicious, spiteful letter that I could have let him know that Elizabeth had died and that his grandfather was ill. My last communication (and I told him it would be the last ever) pointed out that he had not let us know his new email address and had told me to stay out of his life. He had sent nasty messages on Facebook about his sister's death and funeral. I had let him know about her death in a roundabout way. He had never bothered with her; he has never bothered with his grandfather, although I asked him several times to come to Sunday lunch and see his grandfather and Elizabeth. Has he the right to know if his grandfather dies? Would he want to come to his funeral? If he did come, would he make an unpleasant scene? I simply do not know what to do. I suppose that if Paddy asks for Neil, we must contact him somehow and arrange to take him to the hospital. I wonder if his father will agree to this.

We visited the nursing home this afternoon and I gave Sandra, the head of activities, a bottle of wine that we had brought back from France. She is so good and takes pains with the old man. He ate a lot of chocolate buttons, white and milk. He has decided that he does not like doughnuts and refused the chocolate-iced one that I had got for him. He had had a cup of tea and cake before we arrived. Neil used to visit him, sometimes with me and sometimes alone. What became of my good, gentle sensitive son?

Mild indisposition

Today we should have walked, but I seem to have what used to be called a sick headache. I felt so dizzy and sick when I woke up that we did not go. I am sorry that we missed it; I greatly enjoy our walks and seeing the people in the group. The headache lingers. I shall have an early night tonight. We have to visit the nursing home tomorrow and Dan's father is coming for lunch on Sunday. On Monday morning it will be my shift in the charity shop.

On Sunday evening I must write some emails. I am long overdue to email cousin Cheryl in Melbourne. I haven't got much to tell at present. There are no recent photos to send; I have sent the pictures of our bigamist great-grandfather's gravestone and that of his sister, who accompanied him when he left his family and went to Canada.

I am feeling low. In France we avoided the presidential election by watching DVDs in the evening. It is harder to avoid the forthcoming general election. I detest this government. My darling daughter lost her benefits when she was ruled (on a system of points awarded). She appealed and when the hearing came up it took fifteen minutes for the judge to reinstate her benefits and back-date them. What a waste of public money. It caused her distress. My poor baby; she was good and honest to the core and incapable of malice and cruelty.  My son used to be a good person but I no longer know him. He has hurt me and deeply offended his father. I suppose that he is still living on benefits; he has done that most of his adult life. There is nothing I can do.

I have been listening to my iPod but also catching up on television. I love the Talking Pictures channel (343 on Sky) and have recorded some films. I am also recording the series Secret Army from the 1970s. We spent about four years abroad in that decade, from 1974 to 1980. I seldom watch television now. I have never watched Big Brother, I'm a Celebrity or Strictly Come Dancing. Katy used to watch Britain's Got Talent when she came here to stay. I am unacquainted with Downton Abbey and watched only a few minutes of the first episode of the current Poldark dramatisations. I did watch The Moorside, the quite good programme about the Shannon Matthews case.  Dan enjoys the old films that I record. He also loves car programmes. We both watch The Antiques Road Show and Flog It!

In two weeks' time we shall be at The Hay Festival. We have booked a room in a bed and breakfast establishment this time. This will be the best accommodation we have had for the festival; last year was in a tent, the years before at a place called The New Inn at Brilley. The New Radnor Barn will be luxury. Afterwards we shall spend a night or two at Pound Farm as guests of my niece and her family. Angela is one of the few relatives with whom I maintain contact.

Nearly bed time. One more lot of eye drops.  Another painkiller for the headache. I did the ironing today, tomorrow I must polish the silver.  By the end of July I hope to have the dining room I have will have waited fourteen years for.

Coping and continuing to function

I am home for a few hours as I have agreed to work the afternoon in the charity shop. I went in as usual, taking the box of biscuits that I bought in Leclerc. I stayed for an hour or so and then came home via the health stores where I buy most of my breakfast cereals. I also visited some of the other charity shops in the town.

Yesterday Dan went to Alresford to play petanque as usual. I did not visit my aged uncle as my left eye is still sore. Around 5.30 Dan's cousin and his wife arrived. We had a very pleasant meal together at the local ASK Italian restaurant. Philip is a very eminent professor of astronomy. We have visited him in La Palma, off the coast of Tenerife and Cape Town, where he was leading important projects. He and Anne have twin sons. It was good to see them and catch up on their travels and activities.  Anne is a scientific programmer and they met when Philip went to NASA. She is an American from Dublin, Pennsylvania. We have an invitation to visit them in Oxford.

I had my second vitrectomy on Monday afternoon. It went well. I was not so heavily anaesthetised this time and conversed a little with the surgeon. During cataract surgery one is conscious all the time and can make conversation with the surgeon's team. I am now washing my hands more times than Lady Macbeth in order to carry out the regime of eye drops. I have antibiotics four times a day for a week and anti-inflammatory drops four times a day for four weeks. When I go out I wear dark glasses. The pupil of the left eye is still a little dilated, making the vision fuzzy.

I have some emails to which I must reply. One is from my cousin in Melbourne, one from an old school friend and the other from my friend Adele. She and I met in Kingston, NY in 1974. Our respective husbands were both assigned to the IBM plant in that little town in the foothills of the Catskill mountains. We would have got on well together however we had met and have been firm friends ever since. Adele separated from her husband in 1976 and has not  married again. She has come close to it twice but remains single. At my daughter's funeral my three oldest friends were present; one from schooldays, one from civil service days, one from IBM assignment days. I value them all.

The weather is getting warmer. It has been very cold during our absence in France. I left the warm quilt on our bed and am glad that I did. I think that I shall change it next week. Tomorrow is chores day; ironing and polishing the silver. My dining room is going to be complete sometime in the summer. I am looking for a little table for the living room and for lamps for the dining room. There remains one room, the smallest (or smaller) bedroom, that needs a new oak floor. Dan uses it as a study/ office. It still has the rather horrid carpet that was there when we bought the flat. This, too, will come to pass. Patience.

Home again

We arrived home last night, a little before 9.30 pm. On the outward and return journeys we got the ferry before the one we had booked. I have done most of the unpacking and some of the laundry. We visited the old man in the nursing home; he ate most of a chocolate iced doughnut and drank some tea. I shall not see him again until next Saturday as I have my second vitrectomy tomorrow.

Friends invited us for supper, which was eaten in their garden. We brought back cigarettes and Armagnac for them. One of them has given up smoking. His wife is resolved to do so but their business is so busy at present that she is smoking to help deal with the stress. I sympathise but I am fond of her and would like her to give up that habit because of the long-term health risks. While we were there her neighbour dropped in with invitations for all four of us to her fiftieth birthday party in September. It will be in the upstairs room of a local restaurant. We shall go if at all possible. If our daughter had been still with us, I think that she would have invited her as well. Katy loved a party.

Emmanuel Macron has been elected President of the Republic of France. We watched very little television last week because of the coverage of the presidential elections. Marine le Pen makes the dreadful Theresa May look almost human. Macron is, I suppose, the lesser of the two evils. We shall see. Our car was searched at Calais last night, by young French soldiers with formidable guns. One traveller, obviously annoyed at having his car searched, asked the young man if he was old enough to carry a gun. The soldier replied "I do not speak English". He was quite dead-pan. I admire his panache.

I shopped for clothes for my new great-nephew when we were in Vence. I bought a little two-piece outfit of denim trousers and top and a little blue-striped T-shirt. They are bigger sizes than the baby needs now.  My niece is going to visit her cousin and his family later in the year and will take the gifts with them. I have a silver articulated fish that belonged to my late aunt and shall send that to the new baby's sister.

We shall return to Vence towards the end of June. Before that we shall go to Hay-on-Wye and to visit my niece.

I am tired; time for bed. First I must lay the table for breakfast.